Funny Meme Shut You Mouth Macchiato
Chapter Text
A week prior to the corn maze debacle, while wandering around the 24-hour campus grocery store at 3am, Ed and Winry stumbled across something ridiculous. Or, well, something that Ed thought was ridiculous, anyway.
The 24-hour grocery store--a Kroger--was ingeniously positioned at the heart of Xerxes, smack across from the largest residence on campus, Brandywine Hall (Ed was on the 7th floor, and Winry on the 11th). There were enough residential areas surrounding the university to merit local foot traffic, but the student body was obviously their bread and butter, buzzing in and out of the automatic doors in steady droves, and at all hours of the day and night. With a cafeteria in res that included a Pita Pit, Winry hadn't expected to spend much time buying groceries, but it didn't take long for her to start acquiring a large chunk of her daily food there. They took the campus student card for 15% off whatever you were buying too, so despite having a school food card, she let daily Kroger visits cut much her spending money.
Winry and Ed both had mini-fridges, kettles, and toasters in their rooms, and so stocked up on basics like tea and bread and milk and Captain Crunch all the time. A 24-hour grocery store was a God-send for late night study sessions (pound back energy drinks and eat a full package of Fudgeos in a sitting), drunk nights out (down that whole pack of damn hot pepperoni), or if you got back home from class just after the cafeteria closed (pick and choose from the hot lunch bar). They had these epic yogurt parfaits that Winry ate for breakfast religiously, and Ed walked around with a supply of wedge fries in his pockets about 85% of the time, like he thought he was Napoleon Dynamite. All of that uninhibited consuming had its price, though, and Winry well understood why the Freshman 15 was a thing; it was much easier to eat well when an adult was making sure you did, otherwise you might find yourself falling for the siren song of Kroger, then struggling up four-flights to your room with 3 for $6 bags of tostitos, a litre of salsa, and a 6-pack of fruit danishes. (And like… twice a week.)
(Ed at least still did martial arts, and other extracurriculars. Winry kept her fingers crossed that her metabolism wouldn't give out before she left university; otherwise her only real physical activity, other than walking everywhere, was what she spent horizontal, sometimes vertical, on various surfaces with Ed.)
This particular Friday had not been spent that way (yet), but they'd been up watching a movie--Robin Hood: Men in Tights-- in Ed's dorm (his roommate was staying at his girlfriend's apartment--Oh, to have an apartment!), and had felt hungry when it finished. They were having one of those I-have-no-idea-what-to-eat nights, though, and so they just wandered aimlessly around Kroger for a while, waiting for something to catch their fancy.
That was when Ed found it.
"Oh God," he said with a groan. "Is this what the world has come to?"
Winry looked up from where she'd been suspiciously eyeing some Halloween-themed two-bite cupcakes. "What?" she asked. He was standing by the bread and looked like nothing in the world made sense anymore. "You look like Professor Farnsworth."
"That's appropriate, because I don't want to live on this planet anymore." He turned to look at her, grumping. "Come look at this, seriously."
Winry walked over and dutifully looked. What she saw made her snort: It was a shelf full of kits for gingerbread-style haunted houses.
"Is nothing sacred?" Ed asked. "Just. Why. Why though? Gingerbread houses are a Christmas tradition! And just. Look." He gestured. "The house ones are bad enough, but a Scooby Doo gingerbread haunted house kit? Why? What market was asking for that?"
"Aw look, there's a little cardboard Mystery Machine with Scooby and the gang inside!" Winry answered, having mostly tuned out Ed's tirade in favor of inspecting the kits a little more closely. "What?" she asked, as he glared. "I dunno, I think it's kind of fun!" "
You'd want to build a gingerbread Scooby Doo haunted house," Ed deadpanned, disbelieving.
"Sure?" Winry replied with a shrug. "Why not? Don't shit on other people's fun, Ed. Just because you don't want to do it doesn't mean there aren't people out there who think it's neat. Besides, it was probably available as an option long before you noticed it."
Ed deflated, then rolled his eyes. "But it's a Christmas thing."
"Mass consumerism has turned holiday seasons into corporate cash cows," Winry said. "We're not exactly celebrating baby Jesus by making a gingerbread house, so who cares if I make one in October instead and put a ghost on it? Who is that hurting?"
"No one. I guess," Ed said, but it was clear he wasn't sold. He didn't push it though. He turned away from the offending kits and wandered over to look at birthday cakes. Winry did catch him glance over his shoulder at the shelf again though, looking as though he was contemplating the most discreet way to set them all on fire.
They left Kroger about 15 minutes later, with a massive package of Red Vines, and a family-sized bag of peanut butter M&Ms.
***
Friday, 30th October 2015
(2:06) I found the perfect shirt for you!
(2:08) Oh ?
(2:09) Do tell
(2:11) Hold on, I'll screenshot it.
(2:12) Here:
(2:12)
(2:14) I mean
(2:14) I would totally wear that
(2:15) But isn't it a little more up your spoopy alley
(2:17) Au contraire, ma cherie. I found an even BETTER one for me.
(2:18) BEHOLD:
(2:18)
(2:20) Hahahaha
(2:21) I love it
(2:23) You'll be happy to hear that I've already ordered them. Happy Anniversary ish!
(2:25) Anniversary
(2:25) ?
(2:27) Yeah! The first time we met face-to-face was at the mall on the 26th of October. And then a year since our first date will be on the 1st.
(2:29) OH
(2:30) Well that went by fucking quick
(2:31) I hadn't even thought about it
(2:31) How did you remember ??? Did you write it down somewhere
(2:34) No? I just remembered.
(2:35) But don't. I mean. I'm not upset that you didn't, or anything. I don't expect you to get me anything either, for the record. Honestly. Cross my heart.
(2:36) Unless you've got some more terrible Halloween jokes, which I will pretend to hate but secretly (or not-so-secretly) love.
(2:39) Might know one or two
(2:40) Lay it on me.
(2:42) Anytime, Cupcake
(2:42)
(2:45) 
(2:48) Fine fine
(2:48) Use me for your weird-ass joke fetish
(2:49) I see how it is
(2:50) You say that like we didn't mutually woo each other with them.
(2:50) What was it you called me? The Queen of Dick Jokes?
(2:53) Dunno, memory's pretty hazy
(2:55) Butthead.
(2:56) By the time you actually start telling me jokes it'll be time to meet up and leave.
(2:58) FINE
(2:58) BUT LET IT BE KNOWN THAT I WAS UNDER DURESS
(3:00) Whatever you need to tell yourself.
(3:02) Alright
(3:03) Who greets you at the door of a haunted house?
(3:05) I dunno, who?
(3:07) The ghost host.
(3:09) Laaaame! 4/10.
(3:11) You're rating me
(3:11) !?!?!?!
(3:13) Next joke, please! Chop, chop!
(3:15) Oh God
(3:16) FINE
(3:16) I'll up the ante !!!!!
(3:17) Hey Winry, how did the haunted house get stolen paintings?
(3:18) Gee whiz, Ed; I dunno! That's a stumper. How?
(3:20) You little
(3:21) YOU'RE THE WORST
(3:23) Weird punchline. 1/10.
(3:25) THAT'S NOT THE PUNCHLINE
(3:36) The punchline is: "They were from a polterheist!"
(3:38) Okay, 6/10. I may have giggled. Slightly.
(3:40) Okay okay
(3:42) In it to win it now, fuck this
(3:44) You're so easy to goad, Ed.
(3:45) WHATEVER
(3:46) What was for dinner at the haunted house
(3:46) ??????
(3:48) I'm sensing a theme here.
(3:49) What was for dinner, Ed?
(3:52) Ghoulash
(3:54) Womp womp. 5/10.
(3:56) You are hard to please
(3:58) I just like to make you work for it, Edward.
(4:00) You're also a tease, Winry Rockbell
(4:01) Maybe.
(4:01) One more joke, then I'll come down to meet you.
(4:03) FINE
(4:04) Why did the haunted house scream
(4:04) ?
(4:05) No idea.
(4:07) From window pain
(4:09) Hahahahaha!
(4:10) That one made me snort. 8/10.
(4:11) Thanks for humoring me, Ed. Be right down.
(4:13) You're welcome
(4:14) I think
***
On Sunday morning Ed snuck out early, leaving Winry curled in a toasty ball under the blankets. Winry didn't even flinch when he got out of bed. It was raining outside; the window was slightly ajar, enough to let the pittering sounds filter in. It was the perfect sort of morning for overlong snuggles and staying in bed, spooning skin-to-skin. His roommate was staying at his girlfriend's place again (which happened more often than not lately, not that Ed minded much), so if Ed hadn't actively and purposefully gotten up, the two of them might not have roused until lunch. He watched her as he pulled on his socks and trainers; Winry's mouth was slightly open, a little puddle of drool on the pillow beside her. Her hair was mussed, and Ed could just barely see the hollow of her neck, which was inviting him back under the covers. God, he was lucky. So stupidly, ridiculously lucky. He loved her and she loved him and here they were. How fucking awesome was that?
Ed stayed strong and left the room. He could always strip down and go back to bed after he got back; it wasn't like he was going to be gone long. The campus Starbucks was only a block and a half away.
He came back drenched, 20 minutes later, and, shivering, set two drinks (a caramel macchiato for himself, and a earl grey tea latte for Winry) and two bags of breakfast (banana bread for himself, and lemon loaf for Winry) on his side-table. He adjusted the positioning of the cups carefully in Winry's line of sight, then he tore off his wet clothes and climbed chattering into the twin bed beside her, closest to the wall. He tried to pull her close.
She woke up immediately and shrieked.
"Ed!" she squeaked, squirming away from him. "You're ice cold! Why are you so cold? Get away from me!"
"I was out in the rain," Ed replied, and he tried to grab her again, and pull her back toward him. "Come back here. Give me your warms. Help me heat up before I die from hypothermia."
"No!" Winry said, doing her best to avoid him. "You're so cold!" Ed touched her bare thigh and she shrieked again, then pushed him away. "Get out of here! Ugh and I was so comfy! You're ruining my toasty nest with your undead body temperature."
"Sorry not sorry," Ed said, finally succeeding in tucking both arms around her and pulling her back, right up against him. Winry really shrieked this time, and Ed laughed with maniac triumph.
"You bastard!" Winry said, squirming. "Let me go!"
"Never," Ed replied, squeezing her tighter. "Just give up, Winry. You'll warm back up in two seconds. I just need a little bit of your warms to kick-start my own. Then I'll be a furnace again and you'll be fine. A few moments pain for the rest of the morning in those roasty, toasty warms."
"You're. The. Worst," Winry answered, still struggling. Then, abruptly, she stopped. "Wait," she said. "When were you out in the rain? Why were you out in the rain?"
"A few minutes ago? I left here about 20 minutes ago, I guess. Snuck out."
"Again, though: Why?"
"Look at the side-table."
Winry did.
The earl grey tea latte was labelled 'Queen of Dick Jokes'. The caramel macchiato was labelled 'Ed, who goes to Dick School'.
"Happy Anniversary," Ed said, grinning into her hair. He could feel her laughing, and he relaxed his grip.
"Ed," she said softly. He could hear the smile on her face. "Is that. Is that the same stuff we had on our first date?"
"Yeah," Ed replied. "I remember things. Sometimes."
Winry rolled over to face him, inching close. Her smile was indeed broad, and her eyes were a bit watery, like maybe she was trying not to cry.
"You're wonderful," she said.
"Right back at ya." He kissed her.
His arms were still wrapped around her, and Winry slid her hands up to cup his face. It was a slow, deep, awesome kiss; the sort filled will unsaid, happy things; with emotions otherwise awkward or hard to express. It didn't take them long to really start warming up after that, but Ed put on the brakes (for the moment).
"Hey. Wait a sec."
"What?"
"Your real present is under the bed."
"And you would rather I go find it than carry on what we're heading toward here?"
"For the moment, yes. We can come back to…" Ed gestured between them. "This."
Winry gave him an appraising look. Then she shrugged, disengaged, and rolled back over, leaning out of the covers and over the side of the bed. She rummaged for a minute, shuffling around shoes and books. "In the Kroger bag?" she asked.
"Yes."
Winry came back up, bag in tow. Out of it she pulled a kit for a gingerbread Scooby Doo haunted house. She blinked at it, surprised, then looked at him.
"Thought we might do it later," he said. "I mean. Build the thing. Do it it too, but I think that that was just pretty heavily implied with the heavy petting and whatnot, without me overstating it."
"After all that complaining about how a gingerbread house is for Christmas, you bought me this?"
"Nah, found it in a dumpster. Had to fight a hobo for it," Ed said. Then: "Of course I bought the dumb thing for you. I could have a unbreakable commitment to any conviction, Win, and all you would really have to do is look at me the right way and I'd be off in the other direction in a heartbeat."
Winry smiled slightly. "That's an awful lot of power to give me, Ed."
"Just don't abuse it," Ed said. "Or do. Whatever. I'll come along anyhow. Off a bridge, off a cliff, off to the depths of hell.. You know. All those cliches."
She surveyed him with a sort of wonder, then leaned down and kissed him again. "You're a weirdo," she whispered, not sounding the least bit unhappy with the proclamation.
"You like it. If I were a betting dude, I'd wager you love it, even."
"I do," Winry said. "No bets required. I love your weirdness. I love you. Mook."
"Love you too." Ed paused. "Did I do alright?" he asked. "I'm not on the up-and-up with this anniversary business. Or romance."
"I told you you didn't have to do anything. I wasn't expecting anything," Winry replied. "But yeah, Ed. Yeah. You did good." She set the gingerbread house kit on the floor and snuggled back down cbeside him. "Edward Elric's dating tips.... number... 16, I think we're at?"
Edward groaned, then rolled onto his back, covering his eyes with his hands. "I wish these would die."
"They never will, Ed. I'm going to make sure that they're the epitah on your tombstone." He gave her a shove and she smiled wide. "Wanna hear #16?"
"Do I have a choice?"
"No. It's: Build a gingerbread haunted house with her, even if you think it ruins the sanctity of Christmas."
Ed peeked at her between his fingers. "That makes me sound like a pushover."
Winry laughed. "Youliterally just told me that I could push you right off of a cliff. Art imitates life?"
"Oh shut up, Winry," Ed answered. Then he rolled back toward her and pulled her tight to him again, before kissing her soundly. They smiled into their kisses, unable to stop the occasionally giggle from bubbling up between them.
Love drunk and naked, it didn't take much effort to shake any of the lingering chill that Ed had brought back to the dorm room with him from his excursion. By the time they were done (left breathless, red-cheeked, sweating, and sated), their drinks were barely lukewarm.
Worth it, though.
Source: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16413053/chapters/38454965
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